a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
