This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
