Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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