saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
i think i just lost a toe
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
