how can u be prego again
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize