dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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