Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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