So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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