a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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