we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
