Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
