so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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