Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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