If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
