Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
