No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
