If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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