The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
