I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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