Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
as a side note pls kill me
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
