I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
