i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
