I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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