I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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