I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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