I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize