is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
