Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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