My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
