He felt like a one man threesome
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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