I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
