Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
