soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Someone signed my nipple.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
