Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize