I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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