So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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