I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
