so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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