My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
