don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
