My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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