Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
