She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize