I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
