The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
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