How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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