Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
