His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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