Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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