I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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