i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
