Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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