never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
