i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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