I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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