Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize