Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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