Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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