You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
