I wish I could punch you in the face.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
