I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
